Talking to Your Children About Nontraditional Families

When children are very small, what they know about “family” comes from their own family, whether that is a traditional nuclear family, or a nontraditional family, like a single parent, same-sex parents, a grandparent who is raising them, or some other structure. Ideally, family is a place where they feel safe, loved, cared for, and accepted. As children encounter other families, they may notice that those families don’t look like their own, and naturally they will have questions about that.

It’s common for parents in nontraditional families to worry that these questions mean that their child thinks that there is something “wrong” with their family structure. That may be a product of the beliefs about families with which the parents themselves were raised. In reality, the child is just looking for help fitting this new piece into the puzzle they are putting together, and turning to the parent they love and trust for that assistance.

How to Talk to Your Child About Nontraditional Families: Some Tips

Start Early.

Even before your child is old enough to ask questions, you can help her understand that families come in all different configurations. A good way to do that is reading age-appropriate books about different types of families. The stories don’t have to be about the differences. But from hearing the stories, your child will naturally come to understand that some kids are raised by a grandparent, or a single parent, or two mommies or two daddies.

Another way to help your child understand nontraditional family structures is to tell her the story of how your family came to be. Doing so from the time your child is very small normalizes words and concepts like “adoption” or “gay” for them. For many children, the story of how they came to be a part of their family becomes a favorite that they ask to hear again and again.

Understand That It’s Not “One and Done.”

The best way to help children accept that there are all kinds of families is to remember that it’s an ongoing conversation. This discussion is not a one-time talk that the child needs to internalize. You can acknowledge different family structures when your child encounters them. (“Yep, Shoshana lives with her grandma just like you live with your moms, and Ian lives with his mom, dad, and sister.”) Doing so over time, especially as your child points out different families, helps bring home the point that there are all different kinds of families.

Be Curious, Not Defensive.

As your child grows, she may say things like, “I wish I had a dad, like Julia does.” Especially if you feel guilty that your child doesn’t have a dad, it’s easy to leap to a defensive posture, but give yourself—and your child—a break. Ask her what she thinks would be nice about having a dad, and acknowledge her feelings (“Yes, it would be cool to have your parent coaching the soccer team.”) If what she wants is to feel like she has a “regular” family, acknowledge that, too, perhaps while gently reminding her that there are all kinds of families (“I know it can be hard to feel different. The important thing isn’t how a family looks, though, but how the people in it care for each other.”)

Keep it Simple (and Honest).

When kids ask questions, parents often try to share all the information they have, rather than the information kids need. It’s better to err on the side of simplicity, while always remaining honest and age-appropriate. Answer questions in a simple, straightforward, and loving way.

It can also be helpful to ask your child, as she grows, what she thinks the answer to her own question is. (“Hmmm, good question. Why do you think some families have one parent, and other families have two?”)

Expect Change.

As children grow, their attitudes toward families and being different change. Some tweens and teens are especially sensitive to anything that makes them feel different, or causes them to be teased. Having same-sex parents, or a single parent, could be one of those things, but try not to take it personally. Teens are sometimes embarrassed by their parent’s mere presence or existence, even in the most “traditional” of families. That doesn’t mean you need to tolerate disrespect or make yourself invisible, but understand that your child’s attitude has more to do with their developmental stage than any defect in your family.

Explaining Family Dynamics to Your Child

Helping your child understand and normalize all kinds of different families, including your own, will help them in their interaction with peers. You’re also giving her the tools to normalize those differences to her friends.

The bottom line is that nontraditional families can be just as good for children as so-called “traditional” families. A study reported by the American Psychological Association indicated that children raised by same-sex parents did at least as well on many measures of psychosocial outcome as children from traditional families. The body of data available to us suggests that children thrive in all kinds of different family structures. What really matters is that the family (whatever its makeup) gives the child love, nurturing, structure, safety, and encouragement.

To learn more about talking to your children about nontraditional families, or embarking on a journey to create your family, contact Brinkley Law Firm to schedule a consultation.