Unique Challenges of a Gray Divorce

You’ve probably heard the statistic that nearly half of first marriages, and even more second marriages, end in divorce. What you may not be aware of is how many of those couples are 50 and older—an age at which you might expect couples to have weathered most of the storms of marriage and be in it for the long haul. These types of divorces are commonly referred to as a “gray divorce”.

It’s true that most couples who divorce are younger. The average age of divorce in the United States is 30, and about 60% of divorces in this country involve people between the ages of 25 and 39. But it’s also true that the divorce rate for those 50 and older has doubled in the last few decades. And for those older than 65, the divorce rate has climbed even more steeply.

What is Gray Divorce, and Why is it on the Rise?

The term “gray divorce” (or “grey divorce”) is used to describe a divorce involving spouses who are aged 50 or older. And if you think about it, there are many reasons that gray divorce rates are increasing. The first is just demographics: Baby boomers, all of whom were born before 1965, are now in their late 50s or older. There are simply more people in that age group, so it stands to reason that there are more divorces. In addition, remember that many people who are over fifty are in a second, or even third marriage, which are even more likely to end in divorce than a first marriage.

Another reason that gray divorce is increasing may be that couples who stayed together “for the sake of the children” may no longer feel the need to stay together once their kids are grown and out of the house. Other couples who thought they were happily married may realize, once their nest is empty, that what they really had in common was a shared focus on their children.

Changing cultural values mean that an older couple divorcing is not the scandal it once might have been. In addition, the greater number of women who are self-supporting means that it’s likely that fewer women are staying in marriages because they can’t afford, financially, to leave. And lastly, as both men and women age, they may become increasingly aware that their remaining time is limited—and they don’t want to spend it in an unhappy marriage.

Gray Divorce Issues (and Gray Divorce Regrets)

Older couples typically have different issues in divorce than younger couples. Younger couples are more likely to have minor children, so custody, visitation, and child support feature prominently in their divorces. Older couples may not be fighting over where the kids spend their time, but they face other challenges.

Spousal Support/Alimony

For example, when a couple in their thirties divorces, even if one spouse has been out of the workforce, that spouse likely has the time needed to get the training and experience needed to become self-supporting. Even if they need financial support from the higher-earning spouse for a few years, they can eventually become independent.

For older couples, the situation is often much different. A homemaker spouse may have been out of the workforce for decades, may have health issues that prevent them from working, and may have too few working years left to ever become self-supporting. In other words, they may need financial support from the higher-earning spouse for the rest of their life. That can be an issue, too, if paying alimony would mean the higher-earning spouse would not have enough resources for him- or herself.

Retirement Planning

An older couple may have proceeded through their 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond, assuming that their 401(k)s, IRAs, and other retirement plans would fund a single household in their golden years. Instead, the same funds may need to cover two residences. Divorcing in your 50s or later means there is less time to build up the retirement savings needed to maintain the lifestyle you hoped or expected to have in retirement.

Marital Residence

Speaking of multiple residences, one or both spouses facing a gray divorce will need to move from the marital home. The house may be too physically difficult to keep up as you age, or too costly. You may have lived in your house for decades, and it may be a repository of memories, especially if you raised your children there. But you must think long and hard if it makes sense to try to stay there, perhaps consulting a divorce financial planner to help you make the decision. It may be wiser to sell the house and use the proceeds to fund your living expenses in a smaller residence that is more manageable both physically and financially.

Estate Planning

If you had an estate plan during your marriage, your spouse was likely your primary beneficiary and agent under your power of attorney. When you divorce, you will want to update your estate plan, including any life insurance you have. While the law of many states invalidate provisions of a will or trust leaving assets to an ex-spouse, having an updated estate plan will make things easier for your loved ones.

Emotional Issues

Because older people divorcing are often at or near the end of their earning years, there is typically a focus on financial concerns such as those listed above. But don’t forget to tend to your emotional health and that of your family. Consider getting a therapist or attending a divorce support group, especially if you can find one that addresses the needs of older divorcing spouses. You may be dealing with feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety, or shame about your divorce, and you need a safe place to sort those feelings out.

Younger parents are often mindful of protecting their small children from their conflict. But older parents, who may have become used to treating their adult children as friends and confidantes, should also tread carefully. Even though your children are no longer of tender years, they still do not want to be in the middle of your divorce.

To learn more about gray divorce issues, how to survive a gray divorce, or gray divorce regrets, contact Brinkley Law Firm to schedule a consultation.