Getting the Support You Need as a Surrogate

As a surrogate, you are quite literally bringing a dream to life. That is a powerful and joyful experience. In light of that, you may wonder why you would need extra support. While it’s true that the positive emotions involved in surrogacy will help to carry you through the process and beyond, it’s still important to have a support system in place, including emotional support such as surrogate therapy, and practical support such as help around the house.

Do All Surrogates Need Support?

Yes. Even if you are well-prepared for the surrogacy process, or have served as a surrogate before, surrogacy support is important. That said, surrogates have different needs depending on their circumstances. It’s important to think about what will work for you. Particularly if you have never served as a surrogate before, it may be helpful to discuss with your surrogacy attorney or surrogacy program types of support that you may find helpful.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because things are going well, you don’t need to have a support system lined up. As the saying goes, the time to fix the roof is when the sun is shining. If an unexpected issue or stressor arises, you don’t want to have to scramble to put supports into place.

And let’s be clear: establishing a surrogacy support system doesn’t mean that you’re planning for something to go wrong with the surrogacy process. Instead, it’s a recognition that pregnancy, while wonderful, is a challenging time, and there are additional requirements for surrogates. Having adequate support means that your experience of surrogacy is more likely to be positive, as you deserve to have it be.

What is Surrogacy Support?

When we talk about surrogacy support, we are generally talking about two categories of support: emotional support and practical support. Emotional support can be more formal, like working with a therapist trained in surrogacy issues before, during, and after the pregnancy. It can also be informal, like making sure you have friends who are willing to listen to you vent about pregnancy changes and other concerns. Ideally, you have emotional support from people you trust who do not, themselves, have a stake in the surrogacy process. Sometimes that support can be simple reassurance that you’re doing a good thing.

Practical support involves taking things off your plate to reduce your day-to-day stress and fatigue. Pregnancy is exhausting under the best of circumstances. Surrogacy involves even more medical procedures and appointments. Meanwhile, the rest of your life doesn’t stop. Lining up help with chores, childcare so you can rest or attend appointments, and transportation to appointments can make your life easier. If you have a spouse, they may pick up part of the load, but it’s nice (for both of you) to have other sources of practical support as well.

Don’t assume that people will know you need support and step up to help. You may need to ask, but the right people will usually be eager to be a part of your support team. Asking specific people to support you in specific ways can be helpful.

Think about the strengths of people in your circle and ask for their help in a way that would be meaningful to both of you. Your best friend may not have the time to take you to appointments, but she may be a great and sympathetic listener who supports your surrogacy. Your aunt may not listen to you in the way you need, but she might love preparing a weekly meal for you and your family.

Most people are supportive of a pregnancy in which you are carrying your own child, but there are those who might not understand, or may even disapprove of, your decision to be a surrogate. Asking for support involves being vulnerable and admitting you need help. If you have a friend or family member who is judgmental, you may not want to expose your vulnerability to them.

What if Your Family Doesn’t Support Your Decision to Become a Surrogate?

Surrogates need the support of a spouse to agree to undergo the surrogacy process. But there may be other family members, such as siblings or parents, who are less affected by your decision but still disapprove of it. Disapproval may be overt, or implied, but can still affect your relationship with these family members. A lack of support people close to you can be especially painful when you are undertaking a difficult and generous effort like surrogacy.

If you are in this situation, it is even more important to build up your other support networks. Surrogacy therapy is highly recommended, so that you can sort out your feelings and preserve important relationships. You may also be able to find surrogacy support groups online in which you can discuss your experiences with those who have gone through something similar. Your surrogacy attorney can also provide a list of referral providers to find the right support for you.

Don’t forget that your surrogacy attorney or surrogacy program can also be a resource for building your support system. It’s been said that it takes a village to raise a child, but it often also takes a village to make someone’s dream of having a child come true.

If you have questions about the surrogacy process or establishing the support network you need, please contact Brinkley Law Firm to schedule a consultation.